Small Pixie

I can still effortlessly remember when I was so young; with wide, innocent eyes.

Eyes that only cried at the trivial, fixable and temporary.

I didn’t see it coming.

Untroubled and beaming with troubles smaller than I, a pixie of a child, with the fairies.

That was in a time unreachable and fathomable only in the corners of my mind.

I wonder how I didn’t see it coming.

She was making plans and dreaming bigger than the stars, that small pixie.

An imagination running away faster than the speed I would fly if I had superpowers, with the daring hope I had.

Still, I didn’t see it coming.

Here now, only some years have passed and I was hit with a bitter, harsh dose of reality.

Tricked by a fox like in the fairy tales she loved, that small pixie was long gone.

It came gradually.

It crept up on me, like the twilight stealing away the sun.

The darkness taking over and greeting me with menace in its eyes, not a fox anymore.

Then it came quickly.

Too quickly, I found out, things I didn’t want to know and shouldn’t know.

Shouldn’t know until my hair was stark grey and my hips were dearly aching.

Why did it have to come?

She missed that time when the baddie was something or someone tangible and beatable.

The missing doesn’t stop and the hole in your heart is permanent. Death.

Somehow the world keeps turning.

Death. So permanent. So foreboding and forever. No more at all, ever. Hard to grasp.

No one last smile or one last hug, talk or new memory to be made.

I thought the small pixie died inside me too.

I am still so young but I didn’t expect to have permanent pain left in me.

When I was the small pixie, I thought I would still be young by the age I am now.

The world proved me wrong.

Grief stays with you so you learn to live your life around it – or you trick yourself, like a fox.

Less innocence and eyes slightly less wide than those not so many years ago.

I wish I saw it coming.

Yet, when my eyes were half closed, the world gave me another surprise.

A less sinister, more hopeful and loving surprise. Soul mate. Like in the fairytales.

I didn’t see it coming.

When the world gave me more than I could hope for;

After it took more than I could handle missing,

The small pixie, long dormant, pricked her ears and opened her eyes.

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