I wonder what you would think of me, of the woman I have become. I wonder if you would be proud of my achievements. I wonder would you be proud of my character, my personality and what about my principles and values.
I wonder how much of me is you. I know I have your eyes. But I wonder if my sense of humour, my shyness or my sympathetic nature came from you. I wonder if you would see yourself in me and would make you happy if you did.
I wonder if you would be outraged or scared that I became a Muslim. Would it bother you that I cover my hair now and I dress modestly. Or would that be preferable to you, would you have an overprotective nature, not wanting boys to look at me or to think of me in a certain way.
I’ll never know how you would feel about me being a Muslim, so I can pretend. I can tell myself that you would have been shocked initially but then seeing how it made me happy you would have accepted it wholeheartedly, buying me scarves and books about Islam and wanting to learn about it. A beautiful dream.
I wonder how you would feel that I got married, if you had ever envisioned walking me down the aisle. I wonder if you had ever imagined how I would turn out to be, what job I would have or when I would get married and if I would have children. I wonder did you ever think about my future the way I think about your past.
I wonder what you would think of my husband. I imagine the two of you laughing together and teasing me, teaming up on me. I imagine you as a grandad. Holding a newborn baby, delicately and lovingly. I imagine you at every milestone in my life.
Most of all I wonder what you thought I thought of you. I try not to go down that road because it breaks my heart. I wonder did you know that I forgave you everything and that I loved you. I know you loved me. I’m left with a lot of unanswered questions and I wonder a lot. I thought there would always be time.
But I’ll never know these things, wonder and imagination is all I have.
I remember as a little girl holding your hand, walking beside you, trying to match my footsteps with yours. No idea then how I would remember that moment years and years later. Something so simple and yet it stayed with me because it’s the smallest things which can leave a footprint on the heart.