I’m tired with a deep and aching tire that cannot be cured by sleep. Even if a long and uninterrupted slumber was granted to me, I would still awake feeling that my exhaustion had not been eased in the least. My tiredness does not come from a simple need of sleep, thus no amount of sleep or rest seems to quench it.
I’m drained in a way that leaves me grey, the colour seeping out of me with speed and persistence. It is leaking through a gap that I can’t locate, so I’m left to watch the colour leave me. Shades of grey is what I’m made of now and I don’t even have the energy to miss the colour.
Every drop of energy is being squeezed out of me until I’m sure I’m left with none and yet I am forced to find more, to make more somehow.
All I want to do is sleep for days or weeks on end and yet I know that nothing would change. A mere second awake would bring back the same feeling. All I know is that when I’m asleep I can at least be numb, I can at least have a break from the persistent draining of energy, even if sleep never recovers or replaces any energy.
In sleep I find reprieve. A brief comma in the stretch and challenge of the days. Sleep separates the tiredness of each new day and allows at least for life not to be one long continuous grey day. Even if human beings did not require sleep in the physical sense, we would at least need a trip to our subconscious to allow a momentary break from the struggles and trials we face. Even if they don’t go away while we innocently sleep; we are at least away from them, into a land where they can’t reach us except to trouble us in our dreams.
If you ask me why I am so tired, I would tell you I don’t know. But perhaps really, it is a deep and immeasurable desire; an innate longing, to go home. Home to my Lord, home to a place where no more troubles will await me. Perhaps I’m tired of this world where I do not belong. Perhaps that’s what it is.